My pussy is not your playground.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
