Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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