Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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