Moan for me like Helen Keller
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
