some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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