I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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