You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We left the knife in your bed.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
