A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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