Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
