I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
