If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
