last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
