i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
This baby is an asshole
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
