So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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