Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
