Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
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Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
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YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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