you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
