Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
