I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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