Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
