she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.