I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
