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I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
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