it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.