I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
