I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
So many bounce houses so little time
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
