Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
