My sheets look like a crime scene.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
