Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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