Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
