I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
