if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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