I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
