My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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