Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
