im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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