my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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