The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
