I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
