I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
