somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
And then he peed in my hair
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