i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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