the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
