woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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