I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
