3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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