I faked an abortion last night.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize