Having a random hookup so left but love u
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
