Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
