I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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