How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
