i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
