i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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