i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
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i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
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When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.