I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.