I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
where am i from again
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.