Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
