6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
