nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
