i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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